{"id":71372,"date":"2026-01-26T19:12:47","date_gmt":"2026-01-27T03:12:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.thegoodtrade.com\/?p=71372"},"modified":"2026-02-09T13:03:37","modified_gmt":"2026-02-09T21:03:37","slug":"how-to-deal-with-loneliness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.thegoodtrade.com\/features\/how-to-deal-with-loneliness\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Deal With Loneliness, According To A Therapist"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

You\u2019ve probably heard that loneliness is an epidemic. Research shows<\/a> that being lonely can contribute to depression, anxiety, physical illness, and further social isolation. It has been cited as a major health concern, with one out of four older adults worldwide reporting feelings of loneliness. I knew this, but it wasn\u2019t until recently that I felt it myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

During the pandemic, many of us became accustomed to being alone in our homes and adjusted to limited social interaction \u2014 because we had no choice. For some, this adjustment quietly became an unhealthy habit that deepened loneliness over time. As a psychotherapist, coping with isolation and aloneness became one of the main reasons clients sought support starting in 2020, and it remains a common concern today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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“As a psychotherapist, coping with isolation and aloneness became one of the main reasons clients sought support starting in 2020, and it remains a common concern today.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

It wasn\u2019t until a couple of months after I lost my dog this past summer that I experienced heavy bouts of loneliness myself \u2014 a deep, aching longing for connection that felt unobtainable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I began to see how many of my emotional needs had been met by his presence and by caring for him. His loss revealed an unmet desire for a deeper connection, one I ultimately wanted to have fulfilled by another person, or people. As much as I loved my dog and plan to have another someday, I realized I was ready for a level of connection that even a beloved pet could not provide. Before trying to \u201cfix\u201d my loneliness, I wanted to truly understand it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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What is loneliness, exactly?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Surprisingly, loneliness isn\u2019t actually a feeling. The emotional suffering associated with it comes from the meaning we attach to the awareness that we want more closeness than we currently have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Loneliness is\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Awareness: I don\u2019t have the intimacy I want right now<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Story: No one else seems to want this; something is wrong with me for wanting it<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Feeling: Sadness<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Loneliness can also be described as a longing for something we don\u2019t have. Some people experience anticipatory loneliness \u2014 a fear of being lonely in the future. Importantly, loneliness is not always caused by being alone. Being surrounded by people we don\u2019t feel connected to can feel far lonelier than spending time by ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately, loneliness and the emotions associated with it often carry a negative stigma that leaves people feeling ashamed or defective. Research shows<\/a> that people with negative beliefs about being alone experience increased loneliness after spending time alone. Feeling sad about not having something you deeply desire is actually a normal, human response.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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“Loneliness and the emotions associated with it often carry a negative stigma that leaves people feeling ashamed or defective.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

From a spiritual perspective, loneliness can be seen as an appropriate reaction to a deep-seated longing \u2014 something we crave because we have already known it in some form. Some spiritual traditions believe that before incarnating into physical bodies, our souls exist communally, like droplets of water in a vast sea, where we feel whole, complete, and loved. In human form, we experience separation and limitation. From this lens, loneliness is a natural craving for a sense of unity we have already tasted, one that is harder to access in physical life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Being alone vs. feeling lonely<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Being alone and feeling lonely are not the same thing. You can be alone without feeling lonely. Solitude often feels peaceful, while loneliness feels distressing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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“You can be alone without feeling lonely. Solitude often feels peaceful, while loneliness feels distressing.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

A research study<\/a> using MRIs found distinct differences in how lonely and non-lonely people experience the world. People who do not feel lonely tend to perceive the world similarly to one another, while those who feel lonely perceive it in markedly different ways \u2014 not only from non-lonely individuals, but even from other lonely people. This difference in perception can itself be a risk factor for chronic loneliness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people experience loneliness unconsciously and cope by staying constantly busy or numbing themselves with alcohol, food, television, or work. While distraction can temporarily reduce discomfort, it does not address the underlying longing. When the busyness fades, the loneliness often returns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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When loneliness becomes unhealthy<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Loneliness can worsen when we abandon ourselves in the pursuit of connection. Staying in relationships that drain us because we fear being alone, accepting crumbs of attention, or staying where we don\u2019t feel valued can deepen loneliness rather than relieve it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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“Loneliness can worsen when we abandon ourselves in the pursuit of connection.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Healing loneliness isn\u2019t always about more connection \u2014 it\u2019s often about healthier connection. Sometimes this means tolerating short-term loneliness while making space for relationships that are more aligned, reciprocal, and nourishing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Loneliness doesn\u2019t mean you should accept less than you deserve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Why Valentine\u2019s Day and other holidays magnify loneliness<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

As a culture, romantic connections are highly elevated when we turn the corner into February. Advertising, public displays of togetherness, and bouquets being delivered to office buildings and doorsteps can subtly frame being partnered as a marker of happiness or personal worth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For individuals who are single, grieving a relationship, experiencing emotional disconnection within a partnership, or desiring deeper intimacy, this emphasis can heighten awareness of unmet relational needs. Valentine\u2019s Day does not cause loneliness; rather, it can intensify existing interpretations about one\u2019s circumstances and perceived lack of connection. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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“These occasions create implicit expectations about how you should<\/em> feel and with whom you should<\/em> be spending time.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Holidays such as Valentine\u2019s Day, as well as events like birthdays, anniversaries, and family-centered celebrations, often intensify loneliness. These occasions create implicit expectations about how you should<\/em> feel and with whom you should<\/em> be spending time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When lived experience doesn\u2019t align with these expectations, self-judgment can emerge \u2014 about your choices, your relationships, or where you are in life. Sadness often follows. If loneliness feels heavier this Valentine\u2019s Day, it is not a personal failure; it is a deeply human response to being reminded of something that matters to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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What can you do about your loneliness?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

One of the biggest challenges with loneliness is that it often requires action to resolve \u2014 and people who experience chronic loneliness frequently feel too depleted or hopeless to take those steps. The first and most important step is curiosity about your loneliness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Question what your loneliness is about<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

People feel lonely for many different reasons. Before trying to fix it, it\u2019s essential to understand where your loneliness is coming from, what you are truly longing for, and what you are making it mean about yourself. Efforts to heal loneliness are far less effective when we are carrying unexamined, irrational beliefs about who we are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ask yourself:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What am I craving that I don\u2019t have right now? What is the core desire? What kind of connection am I slowly becoming ready for?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Common desires underlying loneliness include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n